Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Stick it to the Spam- a Competition of Sorts.

A few weeks ago, I decided to finally take the robot-detector-annoying-code-thing off my comments. If that technical term isn't quite clear, I mean that I made it so that you no longer have to type in hard to decipher letters to leave a comment here. Spam robots did not automatically take over the world, or even attack my little blog. I have a gotten a few since then, but Blogger is really good at finding them and deleting the comment. But I still get the email for that comment. 

Here is one that I got shortly after that cracks me up:

I often wonder why I am not more smartly liked than I am right now. Don't we all? The solution is to talk more about Woman Gaga. 

If you don't have a blog and therefore don't know the tell-tale signs of a spam comment, that's pretty textbook. They usually compliment your blog or writing, but don't mention anything that is actually specific to your blog. Then they have that link at the end of the comment. Thank you, I have totally been wondering what the very best way to lose weight is. It's a wonder science has taken so long to figure that one out. 

They sometimes have a better grasp on English though. Here is one I got on Monday's post. I think it was one of the first comments on the post, but Blogger did not put it up:

Wowee, thanks! I AM a good writer aren't I? Glad someone who obviously reads my posts thoroughly has finally appreciated me in my time. Off to check out the Foamnasium!

Anyway, no harm done, no big annoyance. Like I said, I don't get these on every single post, and I'm glad I made commenting a little easier for actual readers now. 

But then, the same anonymous spammer, we'll call her Melvin, came back and left another comment:

Really Melvin? REALLY?!? Are you being inconvenienced by the natural consequences of you spamming MY blog? She didn't even bother to take off the random link on the end. I'm really glad to know that it's a different link than the first one. These people aren't working for individual websites obviously. I might actually need some calming therapy. 

So since Melvin is anon, I went back and left a comment on my own post this morning, knowing she would get it in 4 emails, and said this:

"Are you kidding me anonymous??! You left me a spam comment! You can't ask for any favors. I should just leave a comment on this post every hour for the benefit of your inbox. At least blogger was smart enough to recognize you as spam and not post your comments."

Maybe that was harsh. Maybe I forgot to use my calming therapy. To be fair, Melvin is kind of spacey for not knowing that she is the one that has to unsubscribe from the comments. If you are going to make an illustrious career for yourself in internet spamming, you have to learn these things.

My idea is to have you guys help me damn the spam. Obviously, Melvin is a real person, so we don't want to be mean. But we do want to be slightly (or very) annoying. Because spam is slightly or very annoying.

So maybe, if you fancy these kind of uprisings, go to this post and leave a comment. If you have a blog, you probably want to do it anonymously so Melvin doesn't also leave helpful links on your own blog. It won't take long to comment because I don't have code-deciphering remember?

I think you should start them all "Dear Melvin..." then proceed to tell her some good calming therapy tactics, or your favorite types of foam. For example:

"Dear Melvin, sometimes when I feel flustered and need to calm down, I cover my whole body in shaving foam and lie face down in the bath tub. Works wonders!"

And just think, Melvin will get 4 times the inbox spam for each one you do! And I will get the comment email and chuckle menacingly.

Right here. I'm serious, I really want you to. I'm going to give the best comment a prize next week! (But if you are commenting anon, you will just have to be honest about whose is whose, when prize time comes, ok?)


  1. I turned off the annoying word verification a long time ago. I also receive a notification of any comments needing "comment moderation", for any comment older than 1 day. All the spammers do their deeds on older post!

  2. Ahahaha! This is the best post. LOVE your reply to Melvin. My personal favorite spam comment is:

    "Presently what did you say? I considered necessary! Maybe to facilitate bidding transpire my inspiration on behalf of the week, keep it emergence!"

    I'm off now to go think of a doozy for Melvie Poo. In the meantime, you just keep it emergence, will you? Ciao!

  3. Ahem. I think "Melvin" gotcha! First of all, there is no "Notify me when new comments are added"... Not that any spammer would check it, anyway. It's simply "Subscribe". And I seriously doubt 4 of every comment would go out. Methinks it's simply another spam comment ... albeit from a better writer than most. ;)

    Sorry to be a spoil-sport. Your post was hilarious! But I think your readers will be wasting their time. However, their comments could be very fun to read. ;)

    Thanks for removing the word verification! I HATE those crazy words. I have found, though, that you can type in ANYTHING for the image part, and it works. ;)

  4. Hilariboots! But yeah, I think Grandma's right and Melvin is further fing with you. But... I'm going to try to come up with a crazy spammy comment anyway!

  5. This is exactly the post I needed, Jessica. For real. Atleast you get spam like that. I get porn spam. Like really nasty porn spam. I am happy to oblige and leave Melvin a sweet comment as a way to get back at my nasty spammers. This may take some thought, though. Wishing you a wonderful day. Now won't you come check out my Weight Loss/Male Enhancement/Fake ID website that will crash your computer immediately? LOL.

  6. Dear poster I would love to send a personal reply to you but I am off to save my vacationing aunt who is in grave danger. I can do this simply because I came into a large inheritance from a distant relative who turned out to be royalty. Imagine that happening right after I joined a new business with my sizable contribution that was guaranteed to triple my money in just 30 days. To top that, I now have a sizable male member that satisfies all the women in my life and my wife had the more enormous boobs and the flattest stomach in the world. I know, I am one lucky guy!!

  7. Between your post and the comments I am laughing so hard there are tears in my eyes! I don't think I can top your creativity :)

  8. I'm crying, really. And the confused look on my Hubby's face as he tries to understand spamming and cross-spamming (and thus why I'm laughing so hard I'm crying) is even funnier.

  9. Well, I had fun making up some nonsense to send you your spammer fan! Awesome!

  10. Woman Gaga sounds like a good name for Nick's next record.

  11. Oh my gosh - this post is hilarious!! Thanks for the lift in my day!

  12. I was going to say basically the same thing as Grandma G. I have gotten a comment like that before and I think it's just a tactic they use. But I'll still play along and go leave some spammy spamness. ;)

  13. Ha! This was such a fun post. I certainly hope that Melvin is getting all the comments times 4!

  14. ha! i hope melvin is getting the comments :) even if not, though, it's pretty funny!

  15. Always entertainment to be had here, Jessica. Thanks! I've been going Captcha free too and it's working out for me.

  16. totally loved reading all of this! i laughed and laughed! xo

  17. This is pretty much hilarious. And I hate those word recognition security things. They've gotten harder and harder to read. If I can't get it on the first try, I just don't comment, something I think many bloggers would hate to hear.

  18. This is the best thing I've ever read ever.


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